After dating a narcissist, you may feel confused, betrayed, unworthy, insecure, anxious, and heartbroken. Those with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies are experts at charming others. Once in a relationship, the charm that initially drew you in disappears, revealing undermining, grandiose, and insensitive behaviours that leave you feeling worthless, isolated, and overlooked.
Even after the relationship ends, the self-doubt and pain from the narcissistic relationship can linger. You may struggle to trust yourself, form new relationships, or even function as you did before. Healing from narcissistic trauma or abuse is no easy feat, but it is possible. Here are 5 tips to kickstart your healing process.
1) Acknowledge your experience
Being in a narcissistic relationship likely means you have experienced manipulation, isolation, criticism, gaslighting, or other similar behaviours. Acknowledging this means acknowledging that you have experienced emotional abuse. Self-blame, denial, and minimization are self-protection strategies commonly seen in those who have experienced abuse. It is normal to struggle with acknowledging this. However, this abuse was not your fault, and you are not to blame. By acknowledging your experience, you can begin to let go of any blame you may have put on yourself.
2) Develop a Deeper Understanding of Your Experience and the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
After a narcissistic relationship, many people are struck with the question: how did this happen to me? A large part of the healing process is understanding how narcissistic control happened to you, identifying the red flags, and understanding the typical pattern narcissistic abuse follows.
The narcissistic cycle of abuse is as follows: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hovering.
Idealization: In this phase, the narcissistic partner uses their charm to woo you. They use
tactics such as love bombing, grand gestures, excessive gift giving and affection to put you on a pedestal and make you feel special. This phase feels amazing and draws you in.
Devaluation: After you feel on top of the world from the love and affection given to you in the
first phase, the narcissist removes you from the pedestal and begins devaluing you. They
criticize, control, gaslight, insult, and sometimes physically abuse to leave you feeling
worthless.
Discard: In this phase, the narcissist rejects you. They are suddenly no longer interested in you or the relationship, often playing the victim and blaming you for the relationship’s downfall.
Hovering: The narcissist now hovers over you to preserve their sense of control and power. They begin trying to win you back using any means necessary. They make promises, guilt trip, beg, cry, and gaslight to re-enter the relationship. Re-entering phase 1.
Identify this cycle within your past relationship. Recount the ways your ex-partner drew you in, when the red flags began, what the red flags were, and how they used manipulation tactics to make you feel worthless and draw you back in. It can be helpful to share this with a loved one or a professional.
3) De-romanticize Your Relationship
Narcissists are typically drawn to those with admirable traits such as selflessness, kindness,
generosity, and forgiveness. Unfortunately, these traits are often vulnerabilities in narcissistic
relationships as narcissists take advantage of their partner’s sympathy and guilt.
It is common to overlook a narcissistic partner’s inexcusable behaviours during and after the
relationship. We may struggle to let go of the idealized or romanticized views we held about our partner or our relationship. However, letting go of these illusions is essential for healing.
Identify everything you did not like about your relationship and partner, no matter how small.
You may write these down, have them on your phone, or talk about them with loved ones or a professional. Whatever method you prefer, refer to it often when you notice those idealized and romanticized thoughts coming up.
4) Practice Self-Compassion and Self-Care
Self-blame often occurs during and after a relationship with a narcissistic partner, hindering the healing process. Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to this. Praise yourself for getting to this place. Leaving or healing from narcissistic abuse is not easy. Be proud of how far you’ve come and continue to praise yourself throughout your healing journey. Maybe you were able to go no-contact, give yourself grace rather than criticizing yourself, or practice a small self-care act. These are all amazing, huge steps that deserve to be recognized and celebrated.
Having self-compassion for yourself also means taking care of yourself through regular acts of self-care. Self-care involves engaging in activities that meet your physical, emotional, and
social needs.
Here are some examples of self-care strategies you can integrate into your day:
- Going for a walk
- Yoga or stretching
- Calling a loved one
- Making a healthy meal
- Taking intentional breaks throughout the workday
- Getting enough sleep
- Trying a new hobby
- Spending time in nature
- Listening to your favourite music
- Gratitude journaling
5) Moving Forward
To continue healing and moving forward positively in your life, begin shifting your attention
away from this past relationship and toward yourself and your future. Reflect on how this
relationship may have altered you, your beliefs, your mindset, your self-concept, and your trust in others. Identify any negative assumptions you may now hold about others, the world around you, and relationships. See if you can reframe or challenge any of these pessimistic
assumptions.
Begin envisioning a positive future for yourself. Jot down some goals for yourself, personal and relational needs, boundaries you want to implement, and anything else that feels important. Emphasize your future and the life you want to live rather than your past.
When to Work With a Therapist
Healing from a narcissistic relationship can take time, feel confusing or impossible, and bring
up many intense emotions. Working with a therapist can help you navigate this process. You
don’t have to do this all on your own.
A therapist can help you:
- Find and implement effective coping strategies to help you navigate leaving abusive relationships and healing
- Â Implement boundaries to keep you away from past abusive partners and future ones
- Identify how this happened and how to prevent it from happening again in the future
- Rebuild your social support network and meaningful connections
- Minimize any related mental health concerns
If you’re struggling to rebuild authentic connection, seeking help from a therapist can be beneficial. The therapists at Couples Counselling Centre are available to guide you through the process of reconnecting and creating a deeper, more fulfilling relationship. Click HERE to book a free consult.
