It is often said that communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship. For effective communication, one must be able to send and receive messages. Therefore, this involves the ability to speak and the ability to actively listen. Listening involves understanding, making sense of, and thinking about what is being heard. It requires effort and it is a skill that can be developed through practice. Over-talking and under-talking can make one partner feel dismissed and overwhelmed which would create feelings of disconnection. Additionally, inattentive, or inactive listening prevents true understanding often leading to resentment and miscommunication. Finding that delicate balance between expressing your needs and perspective to your partner while actively and empathetically listening to their viewpoints fosters mutual respect, trust, emotional connection.
So how does one balance talking and active listening:
Designate a Time and Space for Meaningful Conversations
When picking the right time and space to have a conversation, it is imperative to pick a space that is comfortable, neutral, and welcoming. The time has to be agreed upon by both partners so that the conversation can feel intentional and not rushed. The space must be free of distractions, which includes putting electronics away and choosing a time when the children may be asleep or under the care of a trusted adult.
Avoid distractions like phones and other electronics is the first step to showing your partner that you value them and what they would like to discuss. Being fully present also minimizes miscommunication and allows for emotional safety. Meaning, it allows the partner to know that it is safe to share their emotions without fear of being dismissed or interrupted.
Express Yourself using “I” Statements
Avoiding/minimizing blaming by expressing your thoughts and feelings through “I” statements makes the listener more receptive to what is being communicated. This approach could look like “I feel unvalued when …” “I feel ignored when …” This style of communicating reduces defensiveness and encourages more honest and open communication.
Engage in Active Listening
In addition to avoiding distractions, it is important to give the speaker your full attention by setting aside your own thoughts or judgements and strive to stay engaged in what they are sharing. It is tempting to want to listen for things to respond to or want to speak up and present your viewpoint or listen for weak points to attack. However, staying present, making appropriate eye contact, repeating, or summarizing what the partner is saying to you can help you stay attuned to what the partner is sharing. Once you are attuned to what your partner is sharing, it is important to validate their feelings without rushing to offer solutions, even if you see things differently.
Take Turns Listening and Talking
Taking turns to talk and listen shows that you are interested in what your partner has to say. It allows both parties to have an opportunity to contribute and be heard. It also helps build trust and strengthen the partnership as it demonstrates that you are interested and are engaged in the conversation.
In practice, this involves setting clear boundaries ahead of time when it would be appropriate for the other to interrupt or have a chance to speak. It also involves checking for understanding through asking questions like “I hear that you …, is that right?” “I just want to make sure I understand correctly, are you saying…?”
Some couples may feel comfortable using timers as a cue that it is one partners turn to talk or listen. This is particularly helpful in emotionally charged conversations that may lead one partner to feel that they did not get enough time to explain their thoughts. This timer does not have to be rigid; it can be adjusted based on how long it takes the person to gather their thoughts.
Pay Attention to Non-verbal Communication
Non-verbal communication makes up a sizable portion of communication as they carry emotional weight. Paying attention to the unspoken can help foster deeper connection as they may communicate what one is not ready or unable to put in words. These nonverbal cues can involve tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, eye contact and posture. Being mindful of the partner’s personal space during heated conversations is as important as using a calm and steady voice in during arguments. Additionally, practicing open body posture like sitting or standing upright and directly facing partner while avoiding defensive stances like crossing arms, communicates to your partner that you are willing and are engaged in the conversation.
Be Specific When Voicing Your Needs
Proper communication relies on clarity and specificity. When voicing unmet needs to avoid vagueness and misinterpretation. It is important to be clear so that you help your partner understand you better. When needs are voiced openly and clearly then the listening partner has direction on how to best support you, hence fostering cooperation.
Pause and Reflect
Pausing and reflecting on what is being shared allows for emotional regulation and prevents outbursts and informs thoughtful decision making. When discussing important topics, emotions can sometimes get the best of us. We feel the need to want to defend ourselves, solve problems, or out of fear of being in understood resulting in talking in circles, this is when pausing reflecting become invaluable skill. This approach allows us to process our emotions and consider the true intent expressed instead of impulsive reactions. Additionally, when we pause and reflect when stop the cycle of talking in circles and replace it with intentional meaningful dialogue.
Therefore, balancing talking and speaking requires intentionality, patience, and practice. To improve communication the couple must set mutual goals such as scheduling regular conversations that are geared for the growth of the relationship. Regular checking in and providing opportunities for constructive feedback and preventing escalation of small issues all foster teamwork and strengthens a relationship. When challenges persist, couples therapy can provide a safe space and valuable guidance on how to navigate the challenges around communication and deepen connection.
Have you been thinking about couples therapy but not sure where to start, book a free consultation with one of our wonderful couples therapists HERE.
