Let’s start with a basic question: What is conflict? For many couples, it is a tense, heated conversation—maybe with raised voices and hurt feelings—that sometimes leaves one person feeling disheartened or resentful. Some couples approach conflict as a battle; one wins, the other loses, and someone walks away feeling defeated or hopeless.
Experiencing conflict this way can make it feel frightening, associating it with the potential breakdown of the relationship. This thinking suggests that avoiding conflict is key to preserving love and stability. While it is true that some conflicts can feel unpleasant, conflict is a natural and potentially healthy part of any relationship.
So, what could conflict look like if we handled it constructively?
Conflict does not have to diminish a relationship; it can lead to growth, evolution as a couple, deeper connection, and greater intimacy. Conflict allows us to understand ourselves and each other more deeply, helping us move forward in ways that build lasting connections instead of emotional distance or pain.
The aim of conflict is not to agree but to understand. It is not about persuading our partner to think like we do or bending them to our will. Instead, it is about understanding where they are coming from. We want to approach conflict with empathy, curiosity, validation, and compassion.
Yes, this can feel challenging when emotions run high. But emotions are human; they are meant to be embraced and worked with, not dismissed or avoided.
Listening is half of the equation. Listen without defensiveness, setting aside judgments—they only obstruct true understanding. Remember, there are two “realities” here, and both have their own validity. Try to tune into your partner’s emotions, even if you disagree with their version of events. For a moment, let go of your own agenda and try to see things through their eyes. Ask open-ended questions to gain clarity and encourage your partner to open up and share how they are feeling.
Reflecting back what you hear is another key part of listening. A simple but powerful way to stay present with your partner is to summarize what they say in your own words. Validate even a small part of their perspective, express understanding, and show empathy. Feeling understood can help lower defenses, ease the emotional intensity, and create an environment where connection and respect remain strong, even during disagreements.
Speaking is the other essential half of managing conflict. When speaking, the goal is to foster understanding and, if possible, work towards solutions as a team. The speaker’s task is to share openly about their feelings and beliefs around the issue.
Remember, the goal is not to prove you are right and they are wrong. Avoid arguing your perspective; instead, focus on sharing how you are experiencing the situation—your thoughts, feelings, and what the issue means to you. Often, exploring your core values, beliefs, and philosophy of life gives your partner insight into the why behind your feelings.
Finally, set your partner up for success by clearly expressing what you want, need, or hope for. This transparency makes it easier for both of you to work together constructively, turning conflict into an opportunity for connection and mutual understanding.
Are you experiencing conflict in your relationship? Click HERE for a free consultation with one of our couples therapists.
