In-laws can be a source of both support and strain in marriage. There is an African proverb, “Izibana ntizibura gukomana amahembe” translates to “Cattle that share a barn or field are bound to clash horns. This reflects the idea that all relationships have their share of conflicts and disagreements, therefore, what matters is how the issues are handled. When it comes to in-laws, setting healthy boundaries can foster a stronger bond and improve emotional well-being. Research has shown that couples who agree on the boundaries and role of the in-laws in their marriage experience greater stability and overall marriage satisfaction.
Indicators of Potential Family Interference in a Marriage
Frequent Criticism: Family members may regularly criticize aspects of the marriage, parenting styles and even one’s appearance. This constant critical input can leave the recipient feeling like nothing they do is ever good enough, hence intensifying stress and emotional strain. Additionally, this can create loyalty dilemmas, that is, the partner feeling split between loyalty to their family of origin and their spouse hence reduced marital satisfaction.
Interference in Marital Decisions and Unsolicited Advice: Family members may frequently try to influence the couple’s decision or offer advice on personal matters. Even when well-intentioned, this interference can undermine the couple’s independence and imply a lack of trust in their judgement, leading to feelings of resentment and self-doubt in the couple and their ability to make sound decisions.
Attempts to Control Decisions Through Criticism and Guilt: When the couple resists interference, family members may respond with criticism and guilt. Control can manifest in different ways, such as offering financial support with strings attached – expecting influence on how the money is spent, career choices or even where the couple can live. Other examples include interfering with parenting choices like disciplining and lifestyle decisions or inserting themselves into daily decisions.
7 Strategies for Addressing Potential Familial Interference in Marriage
- Offer Support and Empathy to Your Partner: When family issues arise, and a partner feels torn between their family of origin and their marriage, it is crucial to show empathy. Listen without judgment, allowing the partner to express their feelings freely. Validating tehir emotions can help them feel understood and respected, and this support reinforces trust in marriage and gives them confidence to navigate the family loyalty dilemmas more confidently. The same approach applies for the partner who may feel judged by their spouses’ family.
- Respond to Family Members Non-confrontationally: When addressing the interfering from family members, approach them in a non-confrontational way. Thank them for their advice, and gently explain that you are handling the matters as a couple. Let them know that if you need help, you will reach out. This approach conveys appreciation while reinforcing the boundaries and wishes for couples’ privacy and autonomy.
- Decline Offers with Conditions Respectfully: It is essential for the couple to respectfully decline offers that come with strings attached. They should discuss these situations together, decide on the best course of action within their boundaries and prioritize what best supports their marriage.
- Practice Joint Decision-Making: Making decisions together reinforces couples’ unity. Each partner should take time to listen to the other’s point of view, concerns and understand each other’s perspectives, and communicate their final decision confidently and clearly. This approach communicates to the partner that you trust and value their input while also communicating to family members that all decisions are mutual and highlighting the couples’ united front in managing their lives.
- Set Boundaries with politeness and Consistency: Set and agree on specific boundaries as a couple and present these limits as a united front to the family members. Should unsolicited advice arise, redirect the conversation to other topics, signaling that certain matters are private. By consistently enforcing these boundaries, family members will better understand that certain areas are not open for discussion. Additionally, this reinforces that the couple will handle issues together and communicates that the couple is united, and the marriage is a priority.
- Consider Limited or No-Contact in Extreme Cases: In some cases, maintaining distance or going no-contact may be the healthiest choice for the marriage. This option should be the last resort, reserved for repeated boundary violations, emotional manipulation, or controlling behaviours. Creating this distance can be emotionally challenging, so it is essential for partners to be empathetic towards each other, acknowledging the emotional toll this decision may take on both the individual and the relationship.
- Seek professional Support as Needed: Taking decisions like limiting contact with a loved one, learning to set and uphold effective boundaries and dealing with the emotional toll of the family conflict can strain a marriage. Speaking to a professional counsellor can help make these decisions easier and provide tools to both partners on how to address the family dynamics and deal with the emotional toll of the whole experience.
Cultural Considerations
It is important to recognize that culture, values, and religion often shape the role of family members within the family unity. For example, there may be strong cultural expectations that a daughter-in-law should quit her career to become a homemaker. Such expectations can be a significant source of stress if they conflict with the couples’ own vision for their marriage.
In this case, it is helpful for the spouse to express gratitude for the family’s values and traditions while explaining that they have chosen a different approach that works for them as a couple. This response communicates recognition of the traditions while highlighting the couple’s unity within the marriage. Most importantly, it places the responsibility of setting and communicating boundaries to the spouse whose family is raising the issue.
Setting boundaries with the family of origin requires patience, tact, and unity. It is essential to maintain marital privacy and agree on key issues as the couple. Consulting a culturally informed mental health professional can be beneficial in navigating these challenges, as they help the couple balance loyalty to their family of origin with the need to establish and maintain boundaries that protect the marriage.
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