Is Pornography Ruining Your Relationship?

Pornography is, and has always been, a controversial topic. Porn is often viewed negatively and stigmatized in our society, making viewers feel shameful, guilty, and embarrassed. But, is porn usage in romantic relationships always bad? Positive impacts of porn exist when all partners are actively interested, engaged, and involved. In fact, watching porn together can foster emotional and sexual connection, build or restore excitement in the relationship, and promote sexual exploration and freedom. However, porn usage can have personal and relational consequences.

Addictive Nature of Pornography

When we think of addictions, we often think of highly addictive substances. We don’t typically think of pornography as something that can be addictive. But, it absolutely can be. So what is an addiction? An addiction involves continual and compulsive engagement with a substance, thing, or activity regardless of negative consequences. Addictions come with a loss of control, difficulty regulating or lowering the frequency of use, and intense urges. So you may be asking what makes addictions so addictive? Especially for behavioural addictions like pornography. Regardless of the addiction, changes in the brain related to reward, self-control, and motivation occur, making it difficult to stop engaging. In the case of pornography, watching porn stimulates our brain to release many neurotransmitters, hormones, and endorphins which make us feel great. The release of these chemicals in our brains are enough to cause psychological dependence. Over time, pornography use can cause changes to our brain’s chemistry, leading to a tolerance. This tolerance leads people to watch and consume more pornography to achieve the same effects as it originally had. The psychological dependence combined with an increasing tolerance is what leads to a pornography addiction. 

How to Know if Your Pornography Usage Has Become Problematic

Again, nothing is inherently wrong with watching pornography. Sexual impulses and reproductive stimulation are basic and innate human processes. However, there are differences between casual pornography viewership and porn addiction. 

Here are some signs that your pornography use has become problematic: 

1) Excessive Porn Consumption: Although excessive porn consumption is hard to explicitly define, you find yourself consistently watching porn for several hours a day. You also may find it very difficult or impossible to stop. 

2) Increasing Consumption: You are consistently increasing your consumption of pornography for the same satisfaction. You crave more and more. 

3) Increased Secrecy: You may try to hide your porn use out of a fear of being judged, your partner not accepting, or an awareness of excessive use. You feel like you are sneaking around your partner and lying to prevent your loved ones from finding out about your frequency of pornography consumption. 

4) Excessive Spending: You are excessively spending money on pornographic videos or subscriptions. You may even lose work over excessive porn usage and experience financial issues as a result. 

5) Sexual Challenges/Desensitivity: You have become desensitized to porn and/or other sexual stimulation. You may experience sexual challenges when engaging in sexual intimacy without the stimulation of pornography. You may try to increase your sensitivity to porn by trying to find more extreme pornography. It is also common for porn addiction to lead to erectile dysfunction. This is especially a sign of a pornography addiction in young adults.

6) Irritability: You are easily irritable or anxious when you can’t watch porn or when it is not available. You may also notice changes in your personality. 

How Excessive Pornography Use Can Impact Relationships 

Excessive pornography consumption or porn addiction can greatly impact your romantic relationship in several ways. 

Porn can impair emotional intimacy. Turning to pornography rather than your partner may occur when one partner is excessively consuming porn. In this case, porn may disrupt or replace the quintessential emotional intimacy and connection within your relationship. There may be less of an interest or willingness to be emotionally vulnerable and connect with your partner. When this occurs, one’s partner may feel emotionally abandoned and neglected, further disrupting emotional intimacy. One’s partner may also seek to fulfill emotional or sexual needs elsewhere. When emotional intimacy declines in romantic relationships so does communication. Arguments and conflict may become increasingly common. 

Porn can alter views of relationships and sex. Pornography typically portrays idealized or extreme versions of relationships and sex. This can create unrealistic expectations of your partner, perpetuate harmful stereotypes, and alter your view of commitment and monogamous behaviours. Dissatisfaction and disappointment may arise within your partner as unrealistic expectations are not met, decreasing sexual desire and increasing disconnection. If your partner identifies as a woman, the stereotypical and objectified depictions of women in pornography may lead you to view your partner differently or disrespect them. Infidelity and separation are also a risk as pornography can minimize the importance of commitment to one’s partner. 

Porn can decrease sexual intimacy. It is common for those who excessively consume pornography to lose interest in sexual activities that do not involve porn. In romantic relationships this often means finding your partner less attractive or enjoying sex with them less. You may also struggle to perform or enjoy sex with your partner if porn is not involved. With this, your porn consumption may increase to fulfill your sexual needs while ignoring the sexual needs of your partner. 

Help Is Available

If you are struggling with excessive porn consumption and the personal and relational consequences, help is available. With a therapist, you can better understand why you engage in this behaviour to help address and minimize it. You can identify what triggers and drives your porn use and learn how to recognize and cope with your impulses to use porn. For your relationship, therapy can help re-establish trust, connection, and intimacy.