What is R-OCD
R-OCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where people experience intrusive thoughts and engage in compulsive behaviors related to their romantic relationship. The repetitive thoughts involve doubt or fear about one’s relationship. The distress felt as a result of these thoughts lead to reassurance-seeking behaviours aimed to reduce this distress. Unfortunately, those reassurance-seeking behaviours are unable to relieve this distress and the thoughts continue, creating a cycle.
Manifestations of R-OCD
There are two main manifestations of R-OCD: relationship-focused and partner-focused. A person suffering with R-OCD may experience just one or both manifestations.
In relationship-focused R-OCD, the concern is often centered around the relationship itself. One may experience intrusive thoughts about the “rightness” of the relationship and doubts about one’s feelings toward their partner or their partner’s feelings toward them. Relationship-focused R-OCD typically lead to compulsive behaviors aimed at getting reassurance from one’s partner such as asking their partner for reassurance that they love them or that the relationship is ok.
Here are some common uncertainties of those with relationship-focused R-OCD:
- Am I really in love with my partner?
- Does my partner really love me?
- Is this the right relationship?
- Is there a better person for me out there?
- Am I making a mistake by staying in this relationship?
- If I loved my partner, would I be having these doubts?
- Why don’t I miss my partner even though we haven’t seen each other in a week?
- My friend and their partner seem so much happier than my partner and I… why don’t we seem like that?
- I noticed someone other than my partner was attractive… Does that mean I’m not faithful or that I don’t love my partner?
- I don’t think about my partner all the time… Does that mean I don’t like them?
- I don’t feel “in love” with my partner today… Does that mean we aren’t mean for each other?
In partner-focused R-OCD, the focus is on the characteristics of one’s romantic partner. One may experience intrusive thoughts and doubts about their partner’s personality, intelligence, or other characteristics. There is often an obsessive focus on perceived flaws in one’s partner and constant comparison of their partner to others. Partner-focused R-OCD typically leads to compulsive behaviours that help them avoid triggering situations, checking behaviours (e.g., comparing their partner to others) , and mental rituals (e.g., mentally reviewing past interactions within their relationship or analyzing their partner for flaws).
Here are some common uncertainties of those with partner-focused R-OCD:
- Do I even find my partner attractive?
- Is their nose too big? (Dwelling on one’s partner’s physical imperfections)
- Are they boring?
- Do they feel passionate about the same things I’m passionate about?
- Are they smart enough?
- Are they too loud/shy?
- Why did they do that? (Analyzing certain behaviours or actions of one’s partner)
- Are they as attractive as (insert celebrity name or other potential partner here)?
- Is my partner as emotionally stable as I need them to be?
- Is my partner trustworthy?
Impact of R-OCD
R-OCD can be extremely isolating and debilitating. The experience of these intrusive thoughts, doubts, and compulsive behaviours can significantly disrupt one’s romantic relationship. It can feel impossible to engage normally in one’s relationship with so many doubts and intrusive thoughts running through one’s head. There may be increased conflict, dissatisfaction, and disconnection. In some cases, the experience of R-OCD may lead to the ending of one’s relationship.
Not only does R-OCD impact one’s relationship, there are personal detriments as well. These intrusive thoughts and doubts can feel very disturbing and distressing, leading to high levels of anxiety. It can also feel incredibly confusing to not know whether to trust these intrusive thoughts and doubts when they do come up. Regardless, it is common to experience shame and guilt for these thoughts simply coming up. As one feels deeply ashamed, they are likely to withdraw from social interactions, avoid their partner, and reduce contact with others. The fear of judgement often leads those suffering with R-OCD to keep their struggles to themselves and not seek treatment, further exacerbating their suffering.
Normal Versus Abnormal Doubts in Relationships
Contrary to popular belief, doubts are completely normal in relationships. They may arise due to personal insecurities, genuine concerns about the relationship, unrealistic expectations, past experiences, or external factors. Regardless, doubts are not a sign of being in the wrong relationship.
There are, however, differences between normal doubts and the experience of R-OCD. So, you may be wondering, how do I decipher whether I am having normal relationship doubts or if I am potentially experiencing R-OCD?
Normal doubts in a relationship arise occasionally, are fleeting, and do not dominate one’s thoughts. A doubt may come up, but is managed by addressing it with one’s partner, reflecting on it, or reassurance from oneself or their partner. They do not cause significant distress or disruption in one’s life. Normal doubts often arise when there is a specific situation or issue within the relationship to trigger it.
R-OCD doubts occur frequently and intensely without any trigger or situation bringing up these doubts. These doubts cause significant distress and impact the individual’s functioning and relationship. These doubts often feel uncontrollable and dominating. Repetitive behaviours are used to alleviate the anxiety and uncertainty that come along with the doubts, but the anxiety is unlikely to subside.
Help is Available
If you, or your partner, are struggling with intrusive thoughts and doubts in your relationship, help is available. Through therapy, you will be able to manage these distressing thoughts as they come up, process the shame surrounding these thoughts, increase self-confidence, and foster healthy relationships. Click HERE to book a free consult.
