If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are stuck in a never-ending loop of arguments or emotional distance, you’re not alone. Maybe one of you tries to reach out for closeness, while the other pulls away, leaving both of you feeling frustrated, confused, and disconnected.
During these cycles, your nervous systems get triggered—often without you even realizing it—which can lead to emotional reactions like anger, defensiveness, or shutting down. This makes it really tough to talk things through and feel connected to your partner. When one partner feels hurt or ignored, their body reacts from a place of survival, triggering a cascade of chemical reactions that make it even harder to communicate or feel emotionally close.
Your nervous system is wired to detect cues of safety or threat
Your nervous system has a few key responses, each of which influences how you react emotionally and physically to your partner.
Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): This is the calm, regulated state where you feel safe and can connect with others. In this state, your nervous system is at ease, and you can engage in healthy communication with empathy.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): When your nervous system detects danger, it triggers a “fight or flight” response. This might look like anger, defensiveness, or anxiety—and it’s your body’s way of preparing you to either confront or escape the threat.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Freeze): If the threat feels overwhelming or inescapable, your nervous system may shut down, causing you to withdraw, dissociate, or feel emotionally numb. This is a survival response that can leave you feeling disconnected and detached.
It happens automatically, but understanding it can help improve your relationships.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we help you identify the unconscious shifts in your nervous system that fuel the patterns of disconnect between you and your partner. EFT provides you and your partner a safe and supportive space where you can share your vulnerable feelings and emotional needs with the guidance of a therapist. By understanding how your nervous system impacts your relationship, you can learn to break the cycle of conflict and start building a more secure, loving connection.
If you’re struggling to rebuild authentic connection, seeking help from a therapist can be beneficial. The therapists at Couples Counselling Centre are available to guide you through the process of reconnecting and creating a deeper, more fulfilling relationship. Click HERE to book a free consult.
