Are you a competitive person? Do you like to keep track of the arguments you won or how many times were you right in an argument in your relationship?
It is a common thing to scorekeep in a relationship. Once can scorekeep many areas, example how many tasks you completed versus your partner or how many times you were right in an argument versus your partner. The whole concept of scorekeeping can lead to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. It can lead to resentment from your partner. You may not realize how scorekeeping affects your relationship.
You might ask, how do you know when you or your partner might be scorekeeping in a relationship? Well, there are a few ways to know. One way to know is when your partner is focusing on your negative contributions in the relationship. For instance, your partner said to you, “I always do the dishes, laundry, and take the dog out for a walk.” They are limiting themselves from seeing the positive contributions you made that day. You may even start to focus on your partner’s negative contributions and it can lead to having resentment for one another. To avoid the resentment and focusing on negatives, focus on the positive contributions your partner made that day or on a daily basis. For example, “I like how you keep the kitchen clean, I appreciate it.” When your partner sees that you are listening to them and appreciating their efforts, they are likely to naturally reciprocate this over time.
Another way to know is if your partner is making mean, snarky comments or taunts towards you. For instance, “You are getting so lazy, you never help me out with anything.” These comments can eventually become meaner or snarkier depending on the situation. Misunderstandings occur most when two people do not listen to each other and communicate through the conflict to resolve it. In situations like this, you have to make sure you listen to your partner and understand what they are asking of you. Complimenting each other with kinder comments can help with feeling appreciated in the relationship. It puts your partner at ease when they know they are being heard and valued.
So in a nutshell: Make scorekeeping in your relationship about the positives, not the negatives!
Do you or your partner still feel that in spite of these changes your partner is scorekeeping the negatives in your relationship?
Get a consultation at Couples Counselling Centre !